Monday, August 28, 2006

WTF Not . . .

I’ve finally figured it out. It’s taken me countless hours of driving Albuquerque’s freeways, but I’ve finally figured it out. What was it Sherlock Holmes used to say? Something like “When you’ve eliminated all suspects, it has to be the obvious one.” (Okay, I paraphrased, get over it.)

It’s something so totally inexplicable, so utterly confounding, that I just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Every day and every evening, going to work and going home, the traffic on the freeway comes to a dead stop.

Nobody. Phuquing. Moves.

Stopped. Dead.

Inching along at less than a snail’s pace. Stop. Inch a little more. Stop. Ten miles and an hour later, as you head for your exit—on which, by the way, traffic is also inching along—you haven’t seen one bloody thing that might have caused ANYbody to slow down, much less stop.

I exaggerate. On some days, someone might have a flat tire and everybody has to slow down to gawk. Or some poor soul got pulled over (for what is anybody’s guess since nobody’s going over 0.5 miles per hour) and everybody has to stop and make sure it’s not someone they know. But, those occasions are becoming a rarity. Entertainment almost. At least you can growl under your breath about people not minding their own business.

One day I had an epiphany. I figured it out. Each and every utility user of the greater Albuquerque metropolitan area (don’t laugh) receives a post card in the mail from the Traffic Division. It reads, to wit:

“The week of (insert week ending date), you are hereby assigned to stop, slow down, or otherwise disrupt the smooth flow of traffic on either Interstate 25 and / or Interstate 40 at least twice during the week, once in one direction and once in the return direction. It is your duty as a citizen of this great town. Failure to comply with this assignment will result in revocation of your freedom to buy alcoholic beverages for a minimum of 30 days or utility use for 120 days (depending upon the going utility rates).

“You drive and don’t stop, you lose happy hour or your lights.”

This *has* to be what’s happening. Nothing else makes sense.

I can’t wait until I get my card! I think I’ll try driving the speed limit. . . After all, I don’t drink, and the utility company has shut me off once already this year… WTF not.


Blogger MizfiTroll said...

I got MY card and it told me to drive into the utility pole that serves your house.

You see.....they ARE out to get you!!

9/11/06, 7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10/28/07, 2:53 PM  

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