Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Can You Hear Me Now?

Take a look at the last post and you'll see how long I've been sick. And I'm still sick. BUT MUCH BETTER. Three different antibiotics later, lots of sudaphed, guafenisin, sugar-free cough drops, ibuprofen, and vaporizer additive, I'm still alive.

And my ears are still plugged up. But I'm beginning to hear again and I'm finding out first hand (instead of from friends) just how loud I'd set the TV, the stereo, and radio alarm. And my poor little granddaughter is no longer as frustrated as she was. She, too, got just as weary of me asking her to repeat herself as I was tired of asking.

And, wonder of all wonders, I'm beginning to wake up with a little energy. I'm wiped by the end of the day, sure, but I'm beginning to think that exhaustion, at least on my part, is subjective.

There's nothing quite like slogging through each day after little to no sleep and exhausted from being sick itself to make you appreciate the relatively low level of fatigue experienced before the affliction.

And, my usual level of cranky is returning. Sure, I was cranky while I was sick, but it was a whiny, please-somebody-either-shoot-me-or-make-me-better cranky. And mostly because I was so sick for so damned long. It wasn't my usual caustic, self-righteous, elitist, who-made-YOU-gawd bitchiness. While in the throes of sinus anguish, I simply did not have the energy to maintain that level of belligerence.

I have some friends that, while I recall this from a fog-enshrouded brain, brought in wood and built fires, and brought turkey soup and chowders and paid attention to my animals cuz it was all I could do to take care of me and the kid. Dunno what would've happened if they hadn't come in now and then.

I was pretty worthless at work. It's a good thing my co-workers and my supervisor understood. The year has started out rough enough without losing *this* job.

I think I'm gonna survive.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

For the last few years, the results of years of abuse have been silently taking residence on my body. Now when I get sick, I'm really sick. There's no "I'll ride this out; it'll be over in a week or so." A couple years back I tried that with a sinus infection and was sick for almost three months before I gave in and went to the doc.

Then last year's sinus infection, I waited exactly two days too long (and I didn't even wait a week!) and found myself in the hospital for almost a week with a nasty bout of pneumonia. Damned near died. All I wanted, I remember, was some sleep. And the pneumonia kicked-started borderline diabetes. That means I have to behave like a diabetic, borderline or not. And before that, psoriasis started creeping all over my already ravaged skin.

What a bloody betrayal.

I've been caretaker for my almost-four-year-old granddaughter for a year and a half. I'm tired. My idea of recreation is sleeping in. So when I get sick, I'm even sicker.

And I don't remember the last movie I saw.

So, today, I'm going to the doc for the second time in a month for a sinus infection that just will not go away. My ears are plugged up. I can't hear, I can't breathe and I go into coughing fits that damn near knock me out. I mean I see stars and everything.

And all I want to do is sleep. I'm tired. Every day is the same: get up, shower, dress, get kid dressed, load kid in the car, sit in traffic for an hour, drop kid off at the sitter's, go to work, get lunch if there's time and you don't have to work through cuz you were late cuz traffic was even worse than normal, pick up kid, sit in traffic for an hour, get home, clean up animal deposits, fix and eat supper, hassle kid into picking up toys, put kid in bath, feed animals, put kid in bed, do another chore, go to bed.

It's times like these that I really dislike getting old. There are so many things I need to change about my life but just existing and trying to get or stay well take up every effort I've got left.

I've been told it's an admirable thing I'm doing by taking on my granddaughter's care. Times like these it doesn't feel so stinking admirable. I just want the little turd to let me sleep a little longer.